On working....

In just three days, I will be headed back to work. Fortunately for me and my dear baby girl, it's only for a week before summer vacation, and daddy will be home to watch Ayla. I can already feel the guilt and regret. My favorite time with Ayla is the morning. I love going into her room to see her playing with her hands or feet and cooing softly just waiting for me. ME. She needs me. And, I love morning feeding time. Then we play on the floor, singing songs and reading books. These times I cherish so much. I know her dad will be wonderful with her, but she has to drink from a bottle which oddly bothers me the most. Nursing is a comfort for both of us and a time to bond.

I keep reminding myself that if we want to provide our children with a sprawling yard to play in and a larger house, I need to go back to work. And when August rolls around, Ayla will be older and needing to eat less often...so maybe it won't be so bad. I try to remember the positives of day care such as the socialization and stimulation from other babies her age. If all goes as planned, she will be in the same building I am in which may mean that I can even feed her myself if the schedules works out just so.

All I know is that I would have regrets and doubts with whatever decision I make, so it's probably best to just make one and be content with it. As a Mom, I realize I am going to have to make a lot of tough decisions and this is just the beginning.

Mommyhood

So, life hasn't been so ordinary around my household. I mean, a little bundle of joy as joyous as they are, really throws your ordinary life for a loop-de-loop.
The first weeks of motherhood were so exciting and new. Then reality kicked in and a little depression hit. Then, mommy read an amazing book about sleeping, Ayla found her thumb and started sleeping like a log. Now, Mommy isn't sure what to do with the segments of free time she has during the day, especially now that she is rested and well. I can't throw on the running clothes and leave like I used to. I have to make sure the few clothes that fit are clean. I have to don two sports bras and even then I feel like I am dragging like a two-ton tractor at the Buck. And I have to strap Ayla into a jogging stroller that with her in it weighs at least 25 pounds, if not more. It's really not appealing. I am working through finding my new identity. I get the taste of what it's like to be a stay-at-home mom for approximately 6 months before the new school year starts (with a week in the middle to finish out the current school year.) I have mixed feelings about to stay at home or not and I don't think I'll ever feel secure with any decision I make...more on that later!