Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Some days, I can't even believe I am a mother. I mean, really, what qualifications do I have? I still feel 21 some days...well, until I look into the mirror and see the grey hair from stressing over caring for my children in the best way I know how. I see smile lines from giggles and tickles with my adorable daughter who knows how to melt my heart. I see dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights with my 6 month old son who just can't figure out how to make it through the night without me. I see worry and fear. I worry I am doing this job ALL wrong. I worry that I have embarked on a journey that I wasn't meant to take, because I couldn't handle it or that I was meant for something else. I worry that I am not a good example or that my mistakes will ruin my children. I lose my patience. I lose my cool and sometimes I lose myself.
But I chose to have my children. No matter how hard things get, I will never, ever regret having them. They are a joy. They are a blessing. They are meant to be here.
There are days I want to stay up later, sleep in, go to the bathroom alone, eat a meal without worrying I will accidentally take a bite of baby food, shop with an empty cart, leave the house with NO bags, get dressed without worrying about baby spit up, go on a day trip without packing a pump or do what people without children do. But when I didn't have children and could do all of those things, I was really missing out. I didn't have little partners in crime. Or someone to read me bedtime stories about the huntsman who stole all of Snow White's headbands. Or that toothless smile that greets me through the crib bars in the morning. I didn't have a reason to rush home at night. I didn't have a reason to buy tons of little tiny clothes and toys and books. I didn't have someone to grab my face kiss my nose and tell me that they loved me and that I am the best mom that she's got. I didn't have someone to nuzzle into my chest and gaze up at me like I was the world's most awesome creation and there was no one else like me. I didn't have someone to tell me that my outfits were pretty or that I needed to brush my teeth. They are honest and non judgemental. They love me unconditionally (for now) no matter how bad I screw up. (and man, have I truly screwed up).
My kids make me feel beautiful and wise and loved and cherished and honored. They make me cry and scream and shake my fists and question my sanity.
They have given me the highest highs and the lowest lows I have ever, ever experienced in my 32 years.
So tonight on a Saturday night when I used to find myself out on the town, I crawl under the covers, say a prayer for their little lives to stay safe and innocent for as long as they can. And I thank God profusely and profoundly that he allowed me to be the mother to two of his most perfect creations.

4 Month sleep regression is real

I have not posted for many reasons, but the main one is: I don't feel like myself. When I don't sleep, I am a mean, impatient, unmotivated slug. And, my darling Ez wasn't giving me consistent stretches of sleep. This photo shows him...plotting his sleep disasters for me.

My kids aren't horrible sleepers. I have heard and read many worse. But no  matter how hard I try, I do not stop obsessing until my kid sleeps enough that I feel human.   That being said, I totally and fully believe in the 4 month sleep regression.  After two children...one who slept for 12 hour stretches from 9 weeks and another who slept so inconsistently I lost track...they BOTH regressed to different degrees at the 4 month mark. Both were taught healthy sleep habits (some of you call it sleep training). Both were able to self soothe. Both put themselves to sleep without a peep. Yet, both of them felt it necessary to regress. The 12 hour sleeper started waking once a night to eat after about 8 hours. The inconsistent crazy sleeper was waking every 4 hours and WOULDN'T eat until 10-12 hours had expired. I told myself I wouldn't beat myself up over sleep after the first baby, but I did. I do. I can't help it. I feel like it's my fault and I should have to fix it. But guess what? They sleep when they are ready. Some things may help, of course, and you will read about them all over the Internet. However, nothing is a magic pill.

I have to say that you have to know your child. You have to be confident in your choices. And you HAVE to know it will get better, even if it feels like it NEVER will.

Sleep disasters can wreak havoc on your family. It can divide a once loving couple. It can scare your preschooler. It can cause depression. It can do so many destructive things. I know, I let it.

 

The first thing I recommend is that you read a sleep book. I had no idea how a baby sleeps (number of hours, number of naps, etc.). I read and love "The Sleep Program" by Dana Obleman. It taught me to ignore people who said....

"did you try keeping them up later?" (sorry Kelly), Did you let them cry? Maybe it will get better when.....

 

Anyway, after you've read a great book and you hit a regression, here is my advice:

 

1. Don't try to be superwoman. Ask for help. Once I asked for help...the pain eased a bit.

2. Don't blame your baby. Really, they aren't doing it to piss you off.

3. Try to come up with a reason why they are waking that makes you feel bad for them. For example. I HATE when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep. I curse. So, I told myself that both of my kids had SO much on their minds (I mean, they are developing at a rapid rate) that they would wake and not know what the heck was happening. Of course, since they knew how to self sooth they probably tried to snuggle their blanket or suck their thumb and it just didn't happen. There are plenty of nights I know how to fall asleep and still can't do it. So, when my babies woke, I wanted to help them. I wanted to help them find a way to settle down, and it wasn't CIO (cry it out) in this circumstance.

4. Last night, I prayed. I wanted to be a servant to my children. I wanted to put aside all of my selfish needs and serve them with a happy heart. It worked. It doesn't always, but last night, it did.

5. Don't be a afraid to let your child cry. I was surprised to find that MANY times, the babies could go back to sleep within a certain time frame. I gave them 10 minutes. Then it increased to 15 sometimes. I just stuck to a plan and TRIED to stay consistent. Sometimes you just can't stand it.

6. Chamomile tea. Could have been a coincidence, but I think it helped us both settle.

7. Try not to compare. I say "try" because it's inevitable. If someone said their sleep regression lasted 1 week and you're on week 4...you're going to go insane. I read in a book that you can't compare your insides to someone else's outside. I can't say it enough...but EVERY child is different. My children are proof. You don't expect all kids to walk or crawl at the same pace, we can't expect them to all sleep well at the same pace, either.  

8. Vent. Talk to other mothers. Share your concerns and most of all: BE REAL! I want to slaughter mothers who paint a pretty picture of motherhood. At times, I am feeling REALLY, REALLY good and probably am guilty of this, but I have made a conscious effort to share my war stories so other mothers don't feel like they aren't living up to my "outside" appearance.

9.  Take time for yourself. I utilize my husband, parents and friends to  help me. I still want to be able to shop with space in my cart and no time constraint for feedings or naps. It makes me happy and fills my bucket. I am a much better mother when my bucket is full. I do it a lot, and I don't feel guilty...well, most times I don't.

10. This is going to sound SO morbid, but on a really rough night, when I was trying to calm him, I asked myself if this were his last breaths, how would I treat him. Of course, I started sobbing, but I spoke sweetly to him, shared my love for him and cherished each sweet breath.

 

And I hate to say it, but baby No. 1 hit a regression at 8 months, too. So, if my sleep regression is REALLY over, I am going to sleep all I can for the next few months...in preparation for our next go round, whenever that may be.  

Shabby chic success

I have been drooling over shabby chic furniture on Pinterest, Blogs and Web sites for weeks. I knew I had it it me to tackle a piece on my own, but I just needed the right one. Enter: My Dad Chuck. While bidding at an auction on a dresser for Ayla's new big girl room, he also came across this kid-size bookshelf for $1! The quality was really very good, and the only features I didn't like were the metal legs and the collection of spider eggs that came with it. But, those are easy fixes. The legs screwed right out and the shop vac took care of the spider sacs. I had everything I needed at home for this lovely project so I didn't even have to trek to Home Depot. Two coats of primer, a coat of white paint, some serious sandpaper action, Mod Podge (oh but of course), decorative wrapping paper and Polyurethane was all I needed to make my drooling days end! It took me a few trips to the basement between Ayla's naps today to add each coat and this is what I came up with. It's for Ayla's bedroom, but

the photo I took of it finished in the basement didn't do it justice, so I staged it in my living room. And, I actually love it there for now. I haven't added the coat of Polyurethane yet, but I wanted to make sure I really did like it before I made it permanent. My original idea was to do the backs silver or gray, because that is the theme of Ayla's room...Shabby Chic Glamour, but I loved the way the green turned out. I am sure the little addition of color will just steer the theme into a different direction. So, I write this blog with a happy heart that I tackled something new and it turned out just as I had imagined.

Absent from the blog

I swear, I do this post all the time.....
"I'm sorry I haven't written, I am really busy. I don't have time. Blah, Blah, Blah."
Bottom line is that I love to write. I miss it, a lot sometimes. I have missed it terribly lately as I have been helping my students with their research papers. I find all sorts of ways that "I" would write the paper. Of course, I have to remember, I have years and years more experience than they do. It's hard. I need to write a good essay or something. Sick, I know.
As for the frugal part of my life...I miss that, too.
To be honest, I have a hard time even getting to the grocery store, let alone shopping sales and matching coupons like I used to. And, I just lost a very valuable coupon and it frustrated me to no end. Fortunately, I work and make money to make up the difference in the money I am not saving. I am still frugal when time allows me to be, but more often than not, I am just grabbing what I need, whatever the price may be. I love to shop at the bread outlet, but it's pretty far from my house and going there means picking up Ayla late from daycare, a trade-off I am not willing to make. So, I buy bread at the regular grocery store at double the price, because we NEED to eat, right?
I have been able to work on a few projects, including making a diaper box into a storage bin with fancy fabric and a liner (I will try to post that soon. TRY is the key word.) If you can't wait for my post, Google it. It's amazing. And I have tons of diaper boxes in all shapes and sizes.
And, on the home front, we finally refinanced our home...our payment is $60 less a month and we went from a 30-year mortgage to a 20 year. Woo hoo. How about that for saving money?

On working....

In just three days, I will be headed back to work. Fortunately for me and my dear baby girl, it's only for a week before summer vacation, and daddy will be home to watch Ayla. I can already feel the guilt and regret. My favorite time with Ayla is the morning. I love going into her room to see her playing with her hands or feet and cooing softly just waiting for me. ME. She needs me. And, I love morning feeding time. Then we play on the floor, singing songs and reading books. These times I cherish so much. I know her dad will be wonderful with her, but she has to drink from a bottle which oddly bothers me the most. Nursing is a comfort for both of us and a time to bond.

I keep reminding myself that if we want to provide our children with a sprawling yard to play in and a larger house, I need to go back to work. And when August rolls around, Ayla will be older and needing to eat less often...so maybe it won't be so bad. I try to remember the positives of day care such as the socialization and stimulation from other babies her age. If all goes as planned, she will be in the same building I am in which may mean that I can even feed her myself if the schedules works out just so.

All I know is that I would have regrets and doubts with whatever decision I make, so it's probably best to just make one and be content with it. As a Mom, I realize I am going to have to make a lot of tough decisions and this is just the beginning.

Mommyhood

So, life hasn't been so ordinary around my household. I mean, a little bundle of joy as joyous as they are, really throws your ordinary life for a loop-de-loop.
The first weeks of motherhood were so exciting and new. Then reality kicked in and a little depression hit. Then, mommy read an amazing book about sleeping, Ayla found her thumb and started sleeping like a log. Now, Mommy isn't sure what to do with the segments of free time she has during the day, especially now that she is rested and well. I can't throw on the running clothes and leave like I used to. I have to make sure the few clothes that fit are clean. I have to don two sports bras and even then I feel like I am dragging like a two-ton tractor at the Buck. And I have to strap Ayla into a jogging stroller that with her in it weighs at least 25 pounds, if not more. It's really not appealing. I am working through finding my new identity. I get the taste of what it's like to be a stay-at-home mom for approximately 6 months before the new school year starts (with a week in the middle to finish out the current school year.) I have mixed feelings about to stay at home or not and I don't think I'll ever feel secure with any decision I make...more on that later!

Mommy must-haves

After two-plus weeks of Motherhood, I came up with a list of items that have made life a little easier.

1. Burp cloths, and a lot of them! I am sure even the best fed babies spit up. I lay one under Ayla every time I put her down to sleep. It's an extra layer to protect from the continual washing of crib, bassinet and Pack 'n Play sheets.

2. Swaddle blankets. These seem to be the key to getting little Ayla back to sleep after a nighttime feeding.

3. Diaper pail (or two). The Diaper Genie II Elite is a wonderful invention. We have one in the nursery and I am thinking about putting one downstairs near her Pack 'n Play. We were putting diapers in the kitchen trash and the smell just became too much. The Genie keeps odors at bay and is a convenient way to dispose of diapers...and you will go through a lot of diapers.

4. Travel system. The stroller/car seat was a Godsend. I love to go for walks with Ayla and the Graco travel system makes it very easy. We bought an extra base for another vehicle. It's just very versatile and useful.

5. Breast pump. If you are breastfeeding, you need this. It's great to pass over the feeding to someone else with a bottle. Ayla was a champ after 2 weeks taking the bottle from Dad. And, sometimes a bottle is more convenient out in public. The cost of the pump is worth the investment.

6. Pacifiers. I was afraid to give Ayla a pacifier, but it's also a key component to soothe her back to sleep at all times of the day. She seems to know the difference between the paci and when it's time to eat.

7. Amazon Mom membership. This has been invaluable to me. Since I couldn't drive, shopping online became the way to go. By joining Amazon Mom, I was awarded free 2-day shipping on baby items. By using Subscribe and Save for diapers, I have saved a ton, and I don't even have to leave the house.

8. Subscription to various parenting magazines. The parenting magazines are not only filled with helpful articles and reading material to pass the time, they also contain valuable coupons to Amazon.com. Sometimes there are $10 coupons, and sometimes there are 20% off coupons. With a $10 coupon, I got a case of diapers for $3.15.

9. Practical PJs. Skip the cute newborn outfits

10. Pack 'N Play. I set up the Pack 'N Play in the living room. That is where Ayla gets changed, during the day. She also takes naps in it. I set up a little station for her with all of the items I need during the day, so I am not constantly running upstairs to her nursery.

11. A REALLY comfy chair. I obtained the corner of a sectional at Pottery Barn for $75. It takes up a lot of space in the nursery, but it's ideal for nursing in the wee hours of the morning. I can sit in various positions and lay my head back. It makes nighttime feedings very doable.

12. Boppy. It's very helpful in feeding.

13. A night light. The put one of those cheap battery operated push lights on the changing table. It's bright enough to help me change her, but also dim enough that it doesn't wake her up too much.

I am sure there are more must-have items, but 2.5 weeks in, these are the things that stand out to me.

The little love of my life: Ayla

Why did I wait so long to be a mom? This little princess has brought such joy to my heart. I never could have imagined how much love I could feel for one little 8-pound newborn. She was a little stubborn in making her appearance, but I would do it all over again just to hear that first cry and to learn that she was healthy.

Her daddy has been a wonderful help around the house, and all the food that has already arrived has been a blessing as we are trying to navigate life with a little baby.

Having a baby is a blessing. I am looking forward to so many years of memories with this little lady and our family. Wow, I have a family :-)

Baby blog

I have a feeling that before I know it, this blog is going to turn into a baby blog. I am a little worried that I have not learned the art of bargain shopping for diapers yet. I know what a good price is on ground hamburger and boneless, skinless chicken breast, but diapers is not something that I have mastered yet. I am also worried that my baby won't breastfeed, and I will have to spend a fortune on formula. I am worried that even after all of the preparation I did stocking the freezers and cupboards, my husband is still going to resort to ordering take out.

I really want to be frugal about this mommy thing. My eventual goal is to stay home, and that is not going to happen if I can't keep the spending under control. I love my job, but I don't ever want it to interfere with my family.

I think the best advice I can give myself is to stay laid back. That is my mantra in life. The more laid back you are, the less worried you are and the more things seem to work out. Fingers are crossed and prayers are being said!

Trading in challenges

I got the e-mail notice the other day for the YWCA Sprint triathlon. The same triathlon that I have trained 12 weeks for every spring for the last three years. It's a part of me. Last year, I completed it while a few weeks pregnant and beat my time from the previous year. I can't tell you how accomplished I feel after finishing that race. I got butterflies when I opened that e-mail, thinking about the commitment I make each spring to be able to complete six workouts a week all of which are usually anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours each, some that start with the alarm chirping at 5 a.m. And then reality set in. I am not competing in the triathlon this year. It almost brings tears to my eyes, like I am losing a best friend. I am trading my spandex, padded shorts for nursing bras. I am trading running shoes for slippers. I am trading my swim suit for burp cloths. I am trading the challenge of completing a three-event race for the challenge of giving birth to a beautiful little miracle. I have talked a lot to my mom and sister about child labor and delivery. It's a scary process, but they both have all of the confidence in the world in me because they know that when I face a challenge (like the triathlon), it's my mental more than my physical shape that carries me through. I don't like to quit. So, even though a part of me is torn and wants a find a way to do it all (raise a newborn and train for a triathlon,) the less crazy side of me says that my baby is more important than a race any day. And, of course, I am not saying goodbye to an exhausting challenge, just trading it for a new one!

Nursery, continued

Here is the view of my cozy corner with the awesome canvas paintings Amy made me for Christmas and the prints I also received. The chair was a steal for $75 at Pottery Barn...one of my first baby purchases. I draped the quilt and the other cover is from my mother-in-law.

Nursery, check!

Well, thanks to my mom, the nursery is pretty much done. We have one more project to hang, but that is Nate's job because it's a big, heavy window and I am not attempting that. The first picture is of the crib with the lovely tree decal from Stampin' Up. It took two, but with my mom's expertise, we easily got the tree up on the wall.

More to come...

Another baby blanket

I knew that I wanted to attempt a quilt, which I successfully finished. However, my favorite blankets in our house are the double fleece style with the knots. And, I have been told that babies like tags or little items to play with, so I wanted to make my daughter one of these, too. You can never have too many blankets, or so I have been told. Fleece was $2.99 a yard back before Christmas, plus there was a 20% off coupon for an entire order. What a deal! I couldn't pass that up. So, I picked out two prints and both matched the cream fleece. Then, I found this gorgeous fleece on the remnants rack. It wasn't the fleece that was on sale, but it ended up being about $4 for about a yard and a quarter. It fit my organic, earthy theme of the nursery and even had a little pink for my gal. The blanket took less than an hour and when I was finished cutting, I tied the knots while sitting in the nursery chair. When it was all finished, I curled up and fell asleep with it. Super cozy. Click here for more detailed instructions on how to make these blankets. They are so easy, inexpensive and make great gifts.
I still have a yard of each of the other prints, so I am trying to decide what to do with those. The one is adorable little birds, which matches the nursery! We will see.

Another homemade onsie

I was so inspired by the camo onsie that I posted on, that I used the same technique to gussy up a blue onsie that was handed down to me. Not too shabby. It was pretty tedious with the small parts, but I am proud of the outcome. I didn't attempt to sew this one in place, so let's hope the Heat N. Bond works well. I love birds for my baby (it's the nursery theme), so it was easy to get inspired.

Cute and personalized onsies

I wanted to get Nate a camouflage outfit for the baby so he would be at ease that I wasn't going to frill up this little lady. It was way too hard to find something cute, but not cheesy. So, I decided to make it myself. The first photo shows what I came up with. It took only about 10 minutes to make, and I have to admit it's cuter than anything I saw online.

Materials:

White onsie

Camo T-shirt ($2 at Salvation Army)

Pellon fusible interfacing

Heat N' Bond Iron-On Adhesive

Embroidery floss

Here is what I did:

I cut the sleeve off the camp T-shirt and ironed it to the Pellon. Pellon makes the stretchy T-shirt material easier to work with. I used a heart stencil and cut out a heart from the camo material. Then, I followed the directions on the Heat N' Bond. The purpose of the Heat N' Bond is to adhere the material to the onsie without sewing. Once I applied the heart to the onsie, I used a running stitch with embroidery floss. Voila, it's done. The hat is homemade, but not by me. It's from Etsy, I believe the store is called Little Lids. This will be wrapped.

Grand plans for sewing

My sewing machine has been getting a lot of love lately. Since I abandoned the T-shirt quilt for a bit, I focused on the baby quilt. I had to do a lot of reading in various places to feel confident enough to tackle the little thing. I even experienced ripping out hundreds of stitches. You never understand the power of a sewing machine until you have to rip out it's work.

I think all I have to do is bind the edges of the quilt, which is a little scary. However, I have my trusty books to guide me along the way. I also recommend YouTube, if you are a visual learner.

Once this little thing is finished, I am going to try to sew some onsies. I was having a hard time finding cute, girly camo. Nate wants our baby girl to wear something other than pink. So, I decided to make some onsies with camo shapes on them. I just have to get to the sewing machine. I bought a worm camo tee at the Salvation Army for $2 and plan to cut some shapes out. I will fuse them to some backing that makes it more sturdy (have you ever tried to sew straight on T-shirt material?) We will see how it comes out. I want to have it done in time to wrap it up for Nate as a surprise.

And, I still have high hopes of making some personalized touches for my nursery. I didn't want the cookie cutter nursery, and tried to steer clear of all things commercial. That, my friends, is pretty much impossible. Look at all of the packaging and plastic. I hope to spend Christmas break getting some more things organized and put in its place. I have a long way to go. I need a dresser, first. However, I have to remember how far I have come.

For now, the nursery is a playground for my cats who love the tissue paper and baby-smelling items.

Where does time go?

I really don't have time to be blogging. I mean, I have lesson plans to develop, an IEP to write, two graduate research papers and a few reactions to wrap up the semester. But, I miss my crafting. I have so many ideas in my head. Being 27 weeks pregnant, I am starting to think of all the little projects I want to do for my baby, who is due to arrive Feb. 24. The T-shirt quilt was put on hold for a baby quilt. I am nearly done, but it's been a work in progress. I wanted to tackle something smaller to get the gist of actual quilting before I tackled a full-size bed blanket. It's been interesting. Of course, it's not perfect and there are a lot of flaws, but my baby is probably going to love it anyway.

And, I will continue to dream about other projects, like wall art, decorative pillows and maybe a mobile!

Stay tuned for photos of my completed projects.