Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Some days, I can't even believe I am a mother. I mean, really, what qualifications do I have? I still feel 21 some days...well, until I look into the mirror and see the grey hair from stressing over caring for my children in the best way I know how. I see smile lines from giggles and tickles with my adorable daughter who knows how to melt my heart. I see dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights with my 6 month old son who just can't figure out how to make it through the night without me. I see worry and fear. I worry I am doing this job ALL wrong. I worry that I have embarked on a journey that I wasn't meant to take, because I couldn't handle it or that I was meant for something else. I worry that I am not a good example or that my mistakes will ruin my children. I lose my patience. I lose my cool and sometimes I lose myself.
But I chose to have my children. No matter how hard things get, I will never, ever regret having them. They are a joy. They are a blessing. They are meant to be here.
There are days I want to stay up later, sleep in, go to the bathroom alone, eat a meal without worrying I will accidentally take a bite of baby food, shop with an empty cart, leave the house with NO bags, get dressed without worrying about baby spit up, go on a day trip without packing a pump or do what people without children do. But when I didn't have children and could do all of those things, I was really missing out. I didn't have little partners in crime. Or someone to read me bedtime stories about the huntsman who stole all of Snow White's headbands. Or that toothless smile that greets me through the crib bars in the morning. I didn't have a reason to rush home at night. I didn't have a reason to buy tons of little tiny clothes and toys and books. I didn't have someone to grab my face kiss my nose and tell me that they loved me and that I am the best mom that she's got. I didn't have someone to nuzzle into my chest and gaze up at me like I was the world's most awesome creation and there was no one else like me. I didn't have someone to tell me that my outfits were pretty or that I needed to brush my teeth. They are honest and non judgemental. They love me unconditionally (for now) no matter how bad I screw up. (and man, have I truly screwed up).
My kids make me feel beautiful and wise and loved and cherished and honored. They make me cry and scream and shake my fists and question my sanity.
They have given me the highest highs and the lowest lows I have ever, ever experienced in my 32 years.
So tonight on a Saturday night when I used to find myself out on the town, I crawl under the covers, say a prayer for their little lives to stay safe and innocent for as long as they can. And I thank God profusely and profoundly that he allowed me to be the mother to two of his most perfect creations.

On Raising an Independent Daughter

I am no expert on raising children. I don't hold a fancy degree in child development and haven't penned any best-selling books. I wake up every day equipped only with my childhood experience and my daily interactions with teenagers as a high school special education teacher. I am intuitive and compassionate. I am aware and available. I am determined and dependable. Because my mother made me so, I am a huge proponent of making children independent from an early age. This may come up against great debate among many of today's parents who think I am too hard on my child.

"She's just a kid."
"Aww, help her out."
"Why don't you just give her what she wants?"

I am not afraid of what other parents think of me.

But what I do fear and what keeps me awake at night is the question: Will I raise an independent daughter?
My parents and stepparents did not give me money or fancy cars or a free ride to college, but they gave me so much more. They taught me to be independent, resourceful and hard working.

In a world that will eat you alive, I want my child to be equipped with the resources she needs to survive and thrive on her own, just like I was.

I may be hard on my kid, but my kid, my beautiful, witty and wonderful daughter, deserves a shot at independence.

In my small world, there has to be a balance of love and discipline, and this is how I will raise my independent daughter. So here are the promises I will make to her.

1. I promise to always push you to try to do it by yourself first. And I will be patient while you try. When you say you can't, I will push you harder.
2. I promise to always celebrate your successes, no matter how small they are.
3. I promise to encourage you to take risks and always learn from your mistakes.
4. I promise to give you appropriate choices and trust you to make the right ones.
5. I promise to never hover over you while you learn your own way.
6. I promise to mind my own business but be there for you when you need me.
7. I promise to teach you the way I do it and model appropriate behavior, but let you make your own path.
8. I promise to let you make your own decisions about what you wear, even if it means a too-tight princess tutu with tights and sneakers.
9. I promise to let you pick your friends and to encourage you to treat them kindly and fairly, no matter who they are.
10. I promise to laugh with you when you make silly mistakes.
11. I promise to cry with you when you make devastating mistakes.
12. I promise to always be your mother and never to stand against you.
13. I promise to love you unconditionally without judgement or bias because you deserve to grow into the girl you want to be.
14. I promise that as an independent and smart woman, you will be valued far beyond any perfect body or beautiful face you have.

15. I promise it will be hard at times not to give you exactly what you want when you want it...it doesn't mean I love you less...it means I love you more, so much more.