Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Some days, I can't even believe I am a mother. I mean, really, what qualifications do I have? I still feel 21 some days...well, until I look into the mirror and see the grey hair from stressing over caring for my children in the best way I know how. I see smile lines from giggles and tickles with my adorable daughter who knows how to melt my heart. I see dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights with my 6 month old son who just can't figure out how to make it through the night without me. I see worry and fear. I worry I am doing this job ALL wrong. I worry that I have embarked on a journey that I wasn't meant to take, because I couldn't handle it or that I was meant for something else. I worry that I am not a good example or that my mistakes will ruin my children. I lose my patience. I lose my cool and sometimes I lose myself.
But I chose to have my children. No matter how hard things get, I will never, ever regret having them. They are a joy. They are a blessing. They are meant to be here.
There are days I want to stay up later, sleep in, go to the bathroom alone, eat a meal without worrying I will accidentally take a bite of baby food, shop with an empty cart, leave the house with NO bags, get dressed without worrying about baby spit up, go on a day trip without packing a pump or do what people without children do. But when I didn't have children and could do all of those things, I was really missing out. I didn't have little partners in crime. Or someone to read me bedtime stories about the huntsman who stole all of Snow White's headbands. Or that toothless smile that greets me through the crib bars in the morning. I didn't have a reason to rush home at night. I didn't have a reason to buy tons of little tiny clothes and toys and books. I didn't have someone to grab my face kiss my nose and tell me that they loved me and that I am the best mom that she's got. I didn't have someone to nuzzle into my chest and gaze up at me like I was the world's most awesome creation and there was no one else like me. I didn't have someone to tell me that my outfits were pretty or that I needed to brush my teeth. They are honest and non judgemental. They love me unconditionally (for now) no matter how bad I screw up. (and man, have I truly screwed up).
My kids make me feel beautiful and wise and loved and cherished and honored. They make me cry and scream and shake my fists and question my sanity.
They have given me the highest highs and the lowest lows I have ever, ever experienced in my 32 years.
So tonight on a Saturday night when I used to find myself out on the town, I crawl under the covers, say a prayer for their little lives to stay safe and innocent for as long as they can. And I thank God profusely and profoundly that he allowed me to be the mother to two of his most perfect creations.